FCUK.  @#$&.  FUKK.  FUCK.  

booooo, weekend to-do list:

• Math109: Assignment #7
• AFM102: read chapter 9 and 10
• AFM102: Assignment #5
• SPCOMM: finish self evaluation
• SPCOMM: finish peer evaluation
• CS100: finish Assignment 5a
• CATCH UP ch12 and 13 && STUDY ECON102 'cause the midterm is Thursday

So, I can't handle the workload.  And first year isn't even suppose to be that bad.  Year 2 & 3 are suppose to KILL.  

Ahhhh.  So last Thursday night I had a midterm, and Friday night I had a midterm; then my loving parents came and picked me up to go home for the weekend.  Didn't get home til like 9:30pm =(  and I did try to do some work, not very successful.  A lot of family time and I only went out for a bit with friends Saturday night.  And two of these friends, who I am sure were just trying to give good, honest, non-sugarcoated advice, suggested that I should just transfer out now, if I don't believe that I can make it all the way to fourth year.  Uhhhh, excuse me?  

I was actually kinda pissed.  Usually when all the Waterloo kids get together to whine and vent about how we may not make it into second year, there's a lot of reassuring and "don't worry, you'll pull through" kinda talks.  It's pretty rare to hear someone give advice that includes transferring out of a good program out of fear.  So yes, I was somewhat pissed; I made it here somehow (also known as inflated high school marks); AFM is a fantastic program; the workload and pressure it a bitch and something they just won't understand.  Anyhow, that was only enough to be motivation for an afternoon.  Back to being really really scared.  I can't even remember what it felt like to be angry again..  

I don't know what this entry is about.  I just needed to vent a bit.  

annnnd, this has been on my mind for a while.  but just a though, a secretary who works in a big firm can get paid a LOT.  their job requires an education, but not a specialization. 

Enough’s enough.  I can’t keep thinking about the “what ifs” anymore. But I really don’t know what to do anymore.  I know we’re done, I’ve known for a while, and that’s okay; but I guess I just never wanted to accept the fact that we’ll probably never get that closeness back again.  I miss it.  I’ve tried staying good friends with you, ignoring you, staying mad at you, cutting you out of my life, being okay friends...  And none of that really matters.  You claim that we’re “cool now”, and as much as I want to believe it, it’s still a bit awkward and we’re not okay – or at least I’m not okay.

I can’t believe how much you’ve changed.  And I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to see it.  I know that change is inevitable and people change all the time, but what bothers me is the kind of person you’ve morphed into.  What happened to that funny, thoughtful, considerate guy that I could spend hours with?  I used to be able to call you and talk about anything; you always made me laugh; when you told me everything was going to be okay, I believed you.  But do you realize how much of a hypocrite you’ve become?  Remember some of those fights we had about bad qualities in people you didn’t like?  In my eyes, you’ve become one of those people. 

For the longest time, I kept rationalizing everything you did ‘cause I didn’t want to believe that you were that kind of person.  But I can’t do that anymore. 

It may not seem fair, since I put up with those kinds of people on a daily basis, some of them are alright; but I can’t be around you when you’re one of them.  Sometimes I put people on pedestals; I have certain expectations of them, and when they’ve strayed so far away from those expectations, I don’t know who they are anymore and I just don’t know how to deal with them.  I suppose once I get away from you long enough (for real this time), and we ‘meet again’, things will be okay again. 

i hate math.  
&& i hate everything math related.  
i hate stupid math109.
i hate how i'm in the 10am class and Green talks so effing S L O W, and therefore puts me to sleep.
i hate how FMM did not teach calc properly, therefore i'm struggling with the easy stuff now. 
i hate the stairs the Math&Computing building have 'cause they're so steep.
i hate getting lost in MC every week i go to hand in my CS assignment.
i hate getting lost in MC for math tutorials everyweek.  

arghh.  i'm so glad i'm not a math major. 

no pun intended.  or maybe some.  i dunno, it's been a while since i've blogged.  there hasn't been that much going on since i've been nerding it up in waterpoo for so many weekends.  but there's something so wrong with me.  i should be working harder than ever right now, but over these past few days, i can't seem to find that extra boost of motivation.  and if failing afm102 last friday isn't motivation, i don't know what is.  i was suppose to give my informative speech this afternoon.  i stayed up til almost 5am cause i didn't feel like finishing it or practicing it til 3am.  skipped math109 this morning cause i really needed to sleep.  

but i dodged a bullet today, cause i didn't end up speaking.  but the circumstances for our spcom223 class cancellation wasn't exactly the greatest.  the first speaker had panic attack or nervous breakdown of some sort.  please don't laugh, it may seem funny, but watching it all in person wasn't.  it was the scariest thing i've seen in a while.  an ambulance was called; i left the building before EMS arrived.  it was so unexpected.  this person had such a presence and confidence just ouzed out of their voice during our first impromptu speeches a few weeks ago.  i guess it just goes to show that anyone can break down.     

maybe i'm going through a breakdown.  physically, it's happening since i haven't been sleeping, eating junk food and haven't been to the gym in a week.  mentally, i just don't know anymore.  i was seriously 'evaluating' my life 2-3 weeks ago, then it got pushed aside cause i needed that brain capacity to study.  i still need it to study.  thats all for now.    

----
edit: i DO realize that i've been complaining on LJ a lot (and in person).  and yes know i shouldn't be complaining so much.  no one held a gun to my head and said WATERLOO or DIE; i chose to come to a good program at a good school.  if anything, i should have expected this. 

*75*75*75*75*75*75*75*75*75*75*    that's all i need. 

DUN DUN DUN DONE!!

actually done last night, but was too sleepy to post.  but yes, finally too.

I, Carmen Wong, vow to be the biggest nerd during my 1B term.  
Exams can be so much easier and maybe even relaxing for those peole who went to all their classes and kept up with all of their work during the term.  I wanna be like them!!!  So feel free to call me out on this if I'm slacking off ever again. 

How strong must a person's will power or pure desperation to simply obtain a passing GPA, have to be, to keep them up studying?   

[ Damn you Waterloo for being so hardcore, and booo me for not keeping up with the workload.  Just two more days... and thank you for worrying about my health and telling me to sleep, but I plan to catch up on sleep soon... like on Sunday ] 

& just because, should I redye my hair back to black?  I hate black hair... but the brown is growing out and turning different blond-ish colors
&& two cartlidge piercings in the same ear or just add 4th holes to each lobe?